I’m in my marriage preparation era✨ This season of life has been one of the most beautiful and most confrontational I’ve ever walked through. I’m being called to face my weaknesses and fears head-on, and as uncomfortable as that is, I’m grateful for it. I’d rather do that work now than carry unresolved baggage into my marriage.
I desire to be a Godly wife someday, and I know that doesn’t happen overnight. It takes intention, surrender, and a willingness to keep learning. Part of that process for me has been reading widely on marriage and faith.
The Four Laws of Love by Jimmy Evans is one of those books I dived into as part of our marriage preparation counseling. What follows is a distillation of what I learned – partly for my own reference, and partly for anyone who asks me about it.
The Law of Priority
At its core, this law is simple:
Prioritise your spouse (after God), and let your actions reflect that.
That means being selfless enough to meet their needs above others, and choosing to invest time and energy into communication and connection – especially when it would be easier to turn elsewhere.
The book makes this point soberly: when we allow anything or anyone to take the time and energy that rightfully belongs to our spouse, we are violating God’s design for marriage. It’s not a minor misstep – it can damage, or even destroy, the relationship.
Another dimension of this principle is prioritising romance and showing affection in the specific ways your partner needs. This part was fascinating to me, because those needs look different for men and women.
The four basic needs of a woman, according to the book:
- Security – Knowing her needs and desires will be met in a faithful manner by a sacrificial and sensitive husband,
- Open and Honest Communication – Having unhindered access to her husband’s thoughts and feelings through loving, patient, and regular communication with him,
- Soft, Nonsexual Affection – Feeling valued and cared for as a whole person and not just a sex object through regular and gentle affection that is nonsexual,
- Leadership – Having a husband who is the loving initiator of the well-being of the marriage and family but who treats her as an equal.
The four basic needs of a man:
- Honor – Being talked to and treated with dignity and as though he is believed in and valued,
- Sex – Having his sexual needs met in a regular and energetic manner,
- Friendship with His Wife – Having his wife as his best friend and doing enjoyable things with her on a regular basis,
- Domestic Support – Having a wife who is domestically centered and focuses on the needs of the home.
The book also outlines four elements of romance worth noting:
- Meeting an unspoken need or desire in your spouse
- Speaking love in your spouse’s language (i.e. the four basic needs mentioned above)
- Making it clear that your spouse holds a special place in your heart (e.g. endearing titles like “sweetheart” should only be reserved for your partner)
- Empathy
What struck me most in this section is the reminder that we already have what our partner needs, we just have to be selfless enough to give it.
The Law of Pursuit
This chapter opens with a deeper look at a familiar verse: “a man shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:24). The word “cleave” here doesn’t mean to cut or separate, it means to pursue with great energy and to cling to something zealously. So when God told man to cleave unto his wife, He was commanding him to zealously pursue her and energetically cling to her for the rest of his life.
This means that marriage requires work and intentional effort. Relationships are often great at the start because both parties are tirelessly and eagerly pursuing one another and are attentive to the other’s needs. How wonderful it would be if both parties can carry this attitude of love and servitude all the days of their marriage!
To help us live out this law, the author shares five “Servant Rules”:
- Serve what your spouse needs in spite of what you need, want, or understand
- Enjoy serving your spouse and do it with a joyful attitude
- Reject score-keeping and do what you do with a spirit of grace and faith
- Vigilantly protect the time and energy necessary to serve your spouse
- Expect to be blessed when you love selflessly, don’t get discouraged or give up.
What was shared in this section is pretty consistent with what I read in “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller – another marriage preparation classic. One key insight from this book was about how dangerous self-centeredness is and how we ought to love selflessly.
Quick snapshot of what I learned from “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy Keller
- Marriage is a reflection of the gospel and it’s a process of learning about each other as life progresses and creating a space of stability and love in a harsh world; creating a home for each other and your offspring to thrive.
- Fight off self-centeredness with the truth of the gospel, with help from The Holy Spirit. God’s grace can delight you enough to be humble, giving you an internal fullness that frees you to be generous with the other regardless of the circumstances/your satisfaction or lack thereof. Fill your tank with God’s love!
- Begin marriage with an understanding that its purpose is: being with a best friend for the journey of becoming like Christ. This will prepare you better through changes which will inevitably come. Learn how to love and care for your best friend to whom you find yourself married.
- Learn and speak each other’s primary love languages so that when the emotional high of being in love fades, the natural yearnings of emotional needs will be met. And be selfless with actions of love and giving. Actions of love lead to feelings of love. Between emotions (of love) and actions of love, it is actions that we have the most control over. It is the action of love that we can promise to maintain every day. (Love as a verb, not just as a feeling)
- “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.“
In the final chapter of this section, the author mentioned that the reason couples fight is because they don’t see eye to eye. The reason they don’t see eye to eye is because they have different visions for their children, finances, priorities, sex, etc. Amos 3:3 asks an important question: “Can two walk together, unless they agreed?”. The answer is no. If you are on a journey together and you aren’t in agreement on the destination, it’s going to be a constant battle. Hence, it’s important to make time to pray and talk about where you are going as a couple in a proactive and patient manner.
(Personal note: I find that my partner and I don’t argue much – at least so far – because it has been very easy to gain alignment on issues, both big and small. We empathise and are quick to listen and slow to anger. It’s my prayer that we continue to be kind and gentle with one another.)
I think another interesting takeaway from this section is to ask God why He put me and my partner together; what is our shared divine purpose? Given how my partner and I got together and how our relationship has been, I know that God is present in it every step of the way – but what has God planned for us as a couple? That is something I’m excited to uncover with God as I pray with my partner and seek His will together.
The Law of Partnership
Becoming “one flesh” involves far more than sex. It means merging everything owned by and associated with two people into one life, jointly held and managed. Each area we willingly surrender to joint ownership builds trust and intimacy. Where we insist on independence and protect our personal rights, real intimacy cannot take root.
Intimacy flows from a selfless, sacrificial heart – one that is completely open and devoted to its beloved.
The author makes a point that stayed with me: in marriage, there must be a shift from yours and mine to ours. That mindset shift feels daunting, especially having worked so hard to build my own independence. But I recognise how important it is to be submitted and surrendered to my partner – to trust that my heart is in good hands.
There’s also a sobering insight from Genesis 3:16, which describes how the fall introduced competition for control into marriage. God’s original design was loving equality – sharing life and making decisions together, without bullying or manipulation. Humility in partnership is the atmosphere where great marriages grow.
Another important thread here: don’t let emotions be the one steering the wheel. I am someone with many fears, and one of the loudest voices in my head whispers: You’re unworthy of love. Once you’re fully known, you’ll be rejected. But feelings, though real, can be profoundly wrong. The enemy knows this, and he uses fear to sway us and cause us to act in ways that damage what we love most. It’s important to pray and to be convicted to obey God – to choose to love, repent, and surrender – and to do so quickly, so that the enemy won’t have a foothold in our lives.
This section also talks about finances – an area my partner and I want to think and talk through much more deeply with each other over the next few weeks. The author offers four steps to financial intimacy:
- Mutual respect – rather than judging and rejecting each other, respect each other’s perspectives and make financial decisions together by talking, praying, and compromising.
- Shared control – everything we have belongs to each other.
- Proactive planning – plan our finances and budget together.
- Shared faith – pray about financial decisions and experience God’s peace.
The Law of Purity
God designed the “nakedness” of marriage to encompass every area of our lives – body, soul, and spirit. When we can expose ourselves fully before our spouse without shame or fear, we are in a healthy place for genuine intimacy to flourish.
Purity isn’t just about the bedroom. It applies to every area of life, and both partners must actively protect it, refusing to give the enemy an entry point.
The author outlines seven steps to purity in marriage:
- Take responsibility for your own behaviour
- Do not return sin for sin
- Admit your faults
- Forgive
- Speak the truth in love
- Pray for each other
- Seek healthy friends and fellowship
The book closes with a chapter on sexual intimacy, describing it as a sacred, beautiful gift from God, reserved for marriage. That is something I look forward to with joy and anticipation when I’m married to the love of my life, God-willing.
In conclusion
The Four Laws of Love was a practical book laced with Godly wisdom throughout. It touches on core tenets of what makes a marriage thrive.
I’m walking away with a deeper understanding of how I can love my future husband well and meet his needs through selfless service, intentional pursuit, humble partnership, and a commitment to purity in every sense.
I’m also walking away with a clearer picture of the work still ahead of me, and gratitude that I don’t have to do it alone.
I want to go into marriage completely healed and surrendered. I want to love my husband the way God loves me – with unconditional, sacrificial, and enduring love.